Too much of a good thing.

My weight on Friday was down 4 pounds! That is a lot for one week, so I don't expect to see much loss this next week. Especially since I overate on Friday & Saturday. I don't know what got into me! For some reason I didn't care how many points a piece (or 2) of Papa Murphey's pizza was. Or the margarita I had. Or the piece (or 2) of chocolate cake. What the hell!? I am SO mad at myself for eating all of that CRAP. I feel like crap now and when I weighed myself this morning (which was stupid) I was up 2 pounds. Blah...that is how I feel right now. It doesn't help that AF is knockin' on my door. I'm crabby in general today. I have a huge pot of chili left over from yesterday and if my husband doesn't eat it ALL today I am throwing it out. Otherwise I will eat all of it because it is one of my favorite foods! There were too many temptations for me Friday & Saturday and my willpower was no where to be found.

Speaking of willpower, I still haven't been to the gym...I need get my shit together and start going to the gym and STOP eating the crap food. My weight isn't going to lose itself now is it? I didn't think so. I know 2 days of bad food doesn't mean everything is ruined....I just have to make better choices and learn to say NO! Ok, I feel better now. I WILL do better!

Weigh in day!

I have officially been on Weight Watchers for a week now. It has been a lot easier than I thought! I was worried it would be a ton of work trying to figure out how many points I was eating, but it's not at all. I think once you get past the first week, and have figured out point values for most of the foods you eat ( I tend to stick to the same things...chicken, LOTS of chicken!) it's simple really!

So with the 20 pounds in 20 weeks challenge, we are supposed to weigh in on Friday's. I decided to weigh in today because it has been a week since I started WW. I lost 3 pounds!!! I lost the few pounds that I gained while I was pregnant (for all of 6 1/2 weeks!). My goal is to get down another 27 pounds, and then I will go from there. I have 27 pounds to go until I'm at the weight I was when I got married. I can do it!!!

Now I just need to get my butt in gear and go to the gym!!

So, I'm fertile.

Yep, it's true. I am fertile and we can't try this month. We tried for 7 months and now I KNOW I am probably the most fertile I have ever been, and it is going to waste. This makes me very sad. I have heard that you can be more fertile after a miscarriage, but I didn't know if it was true or not. Today I have had an abundance of EWCM, the most I have ever had. To top it off, all I can think about is trying to make another baby....that is ALL that I want to do! Blah.

If C hadn't lost his job, we probably would have went ahead and tried this cycle. I know the doctor said to wait 2-3 cycles, but we wouldn't have been able to. Now that C is unemployed, that changes everything. I know it would be pretty irresponsible of us to TTC right now, but what I want more than anything is to be a mother. Everyone I know is pregnant, or just had babies. I am so happy for them, but when is it going to be my turn?!

Ok, vent over.

Fresh start.

If you read this blog (all 7 of you:) then you know I was doing pretty good on my weight loss journey before I got pregnant. I had lost about 9 pounds in 5 weeks! When I got pregnant, I guess I thought I didn't need to watch what I ate anymore....BAD IDEA! I gained 3 pounds back, and now I'm not even pregnant anymore, no excuses! I dusted off my weight watchers stuff and got to work Monday! I went through my kitchen and figured out how many points most of the food I eat are. It will make things a lot easier for me. I have a big list of the main foods I eat, how many points they are per serving, etc. Then yesterday I went through the complete dining guide book and highlighted everything that I eat or felt was important, so that it would be easier to find. I can have 31 points per day, and you get 35 extra points per week (incase you go over on any given day, have a special night out, or drink alcohol). Hopefully I won't have to use to extra points, but it's nice knowing they are there and if I want a little something, I can have it and not ruin everything. Weight watchers makes my weight loss journey a lot simpler!!

Yesterday was my first full day on it, and I did great. I had 1 point left last night so I thought that was pretty good. Overall, I was pretty satisfied for most of the day. It's hard though when I get up at 3:45 am & have to eat breakfast that early. I feel like I have to stretch my snacks out further, because I don't get home until about 6 at night. Luckily I only work 3 days a week. I am more worried about my days off, if I am at home with nothing much to do. I am a bored/lazy eater, and I have to stop that NOW! I follow AshisFit (you should check it out!) and she is starting a "20 pounds in 20 weeks" challenge. I joined, because I think it's great to have that extra accountability. She has lost 81 pounds, doing everything the right way: eating right, portion control, and exercise. She realized it wasn't about dropping weight fast, it's about losing it the healthy way and keeping it off. She is definitely an inspiration!!!!

Besides the obvious reasons of wanting to lose weight, and I really just want to get healthier. I want to be in better shape physically & mentally when I get pregnant again. C & I had a talk and decided that we wouldn't start trying again until I lose 20 pounds (at least). That is about 10% of my weight. I would love to lose the 30 pounds I have gained in the past year since we got married!!! I know I can do it, I just have to keep focused. If any of you are on a similar journey, how are you doing?! I'd like to hear from you!!!!

C lost his job!

It has taken me all night to be able to sit down and write this. I am still pretty angry! C sent me a text message at 5:30 last night saying that he didn't pass his 90 day evaluation. Ummm, WHAT? He said his boss told him he wasn't that great of a salesperson and he had to let him go. I was PISSED. C was a GREAT employee, did anything and everything asked of him. He worked 60 hours a week without complaint. His boss called the store one day while C was there by himself. There were 2 customers in the store that C was helping. His boss pretended to be a customer asking questions, trying to get C to sell him something over the phone. I guess C didn't perform up to this jackasses standards, so that is why he let him go.

Well, about 2 hours after C came home, 2 of his coworkers came by to talk to him. Apparently the boss told them that he already has someone lined up for the job. His friend is moving up here from California and needs a job ASAP. Starting to sound fishy, huh!? We knew there was another reason behind him firing C. The 90 day evaluation was his easy way out, because otherwise there was no reason to fire him. Needless to say, we had lots of margaritas last night. It did end up being a GREAT night anyway ;)

C is going to the unemployment office today. Hopefully he can collect, he was only there for 3 months. Say a prayer that he can collect unemployment!!!!

It's finally over.

I had my follow up appointment this morning with my OB. My beta hcg was down to 6, I'm so glad! He was very glad that I miscarried on my own, & my levels were down to normal so that I don't need a D&C! Yay! He also gave me the go ahead to "get intimate" tonight as he put it LOL. I am SOO excited for that. I went & saw C at work and I told him there would be margaritas waiting for him when he got home! ;) It's been almost 3 weeks since any action has taken place in our bedroom, I am in desperate need of some lovin'!

The doctor also said that since my vitamin D level was 13.1 (normal is 30-100!!) that may have played a factor in my miscarriage. He said to give wait about 2-3 cycles so that my vitamin D level can reach normal limits and that will give my body enough time to hopefully recover and have regular cycles! He said "I think you should get pregnant in June, that would give you a February baby!" lol, I do not know his reasons for this, but it sounded pretty good to me. Except that June seems kind of far away! We'll have to see what happens =)

I am so blessed.

I could not ask for better family or friends. They have all been SO wonderful through this entire ordeal. My mom sent me flowers on Wednesday, then I came home yesterday from shopping and I had more flowers on my doorstep from my work. Everyone is so thoughtful. I will be glad when I stop bleeding and we can move on!

Last night C & I were laying in bed talking and I told him that I don't know if I want to TTC right away. He said "Let's just give it our best and if it happens, great. If not, we'll try again the next month." I love him. He has such a positive outlook on everything. He has been my rock through this entire thing. I know he wants to be a dad so badly, and I want nothing more than to be a mother! Hopefully the next time we get a BFP, it will be a sticky baby =)

I am off to go shopping with my friend & her 3 little kiddos. That should keep me busy for the day! =)

Not for the faint of heart.

I am the kind of person that will lay it all out there for you. I don't hide anything, or hold back. So since yesterday I have been bleeding heavily, but that is it really. Tonight as I was standing in the kitchen talking to C, I felt something....different. I ran to the bathroom and looked at my pad & there was a GOLFBALL sized tissue clot. It looked different than anything I have ever seen (which makes sense since I have never had a miscarriage). It was pretty disturbing to see. I came out of the bathroom and C just looked at me like I don't even want to know. He wants me to feel better, but he doesn't care to know all of the gory details. After that I sat down to eat my dinner and as I got up to put my bowl in the sink, it happened again. Not as big as the previous one, and looked just like a normal blood clot, just on a much bigger scale than I am used to seeing.

I guess I didn't expect to see anything different because the doctor told me I wouldn't. I think my body has different ideas. I will be SOOOO flipping glad when all of this is over. The pain is horrible, please end soon!!

Beginning of the end

I woke up yesterday morning to horrible cramps and it was soon followed by very heavy bleeding. As the day wore on, it just kept getting worse. Advil didn't touch the pain that I was having. Horrible low back pain and cramps like I have never experienced before. In addition to the heavy bleeding, there are tons of clots, too. =( I am glad that my body is doing this on it's own, and that it started right away. I don't have very much patience & I am ready for this to be over so that we can try again.

Luckily my boss covered for me yesterday and it was C's day off as well. Having a day off with him was definitely what I needed. He takes such great care of me, I love him so much. We went furniture shopping and finally found a coffee table/end table set that we love. We had a wonderful day together. I made chili & cornbread last night and we had his parents over & watched a movie. After they left he kept asking me if there was anything he could do for me. He had me lay on the couch and got me the heating pad and laid down with me. I married the best man ever, I can't imagine going through this with anyone else. Yesterday was my last day of work for this week anyway, so now I am off until Monday. I am glad that will give me lots of time to deal with this myself, and be able to handle the questions at work!

This sums it up quite well.

I found this on another blog, and it sums up perfectly how I am feeling.

"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

It's over.

I had my ultrasound this morning which showed that I we had lost the baby. The doctor confirmed that it probably stopped developing early on and I will eventually completely miscarry. They are going to recheck my beta hcg level in 10 days to make sure I am miscarrying on my own. Needless to say it's been a very hard day for me. C couldn't make it to the appointment with me due to his job, so I had to brave it on my own. I'm at a loss right now. I want this to be over so we can move on and try again.

I will always love you baby!

It's not good.

It took all day, but I finally got my beta results. To begin with, they are low for where I am supposed to be at (6w1d). Saturday's result was 289, today's result was 257. It went down =( The nurse said it isn't good, I will probably miscarry. I have to go in for an ultrasound in the morning just to check and see if there is a baby there. This is SO HARD! I started crying on the phone with the nurse first. Then I had to call my boss and tell her I needed someone to cover tomorrow morning, and I was bawling on the phone. I finally called my mom and I just completely lost it. She feels horrible because she is 2,700 miles away and can't be with me. I don't think I have cried as hard as I did today since my dad died. I know there isn't really a comparison, but I really may be losing my first baby =( Chris was pretty quiet when I told him and all he could say was "It will all be okay. We will try again and it will be okay" I don't think he knew what to tell me over the phone to make me feel better. I can't wait until he gets home from work. He is trying to get ahold of his boss so he can come with me to the appointment tomorrow morning. I really hope he can come with me, I don't want to go alone.

So, the spotting has turned to a darker red. It looks like it does when I first start my period. I am also cramping off and on, but mainly having pain in my lower back (which I always did during my period). I am trying to have a little bit of hope that there will be something there tomorrow on the ultrasound, but I'm need to accept the fact that there probably isn't. What a crappy day!! I'll update tomorrow when I know more.